I'm embarrassed to admit that I have turned into one of those old curmudgeons who shuts off her porch light on Halloween and hides in the back of the house cursing EVERY TIME my doorbell rings. What part of my porch light being off screams "I'm home. Push my doorbell thirty-seven times"?
Everyone knows that you don't go to a house whose light is off unless your parents are just jerk-offs who drive in from other parts of the city to trick-or-treat in the nicer neighborhoods. You know which parent-types I especially love? The ones who put forth such effort that they drive along side their child or better yet, the ones walking around with their kids while drinking beer. Awesome parenting!
When my children were younger, we took them trick or treating every year. I handed out at least $50 worth of candy EVERY year. I handed out candy to "children" who were over 6 feet tall, who had the nerve to come back two and three times within thirty minutes and whose voices were lower than my husband's. I especially loved the ones who took the time and effort to dress up like............themselves.
Other than Halloween night, I had never seen over 90% of these people before and the majority of them either didn't speak English or didn't possess the common decency to say "thank you" when given candy. I'll be honest, when the grown up kids came around for trick-or-treating, I always gave them the candy that my kids didn't want.
Let's not talk about how these little bastards destroyed all the pumpkins that my children proudly carved every year.
The truth of the matter is, I did buy Halloween candy this year. I ate it ALL, ya' little bastards!
Happy Halloween!
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